Veser is Not a Physicist's Name
by Cynic Anon
Summary: This is what happens when I don't get my electro-shock therapy. A crossover of Hanna is Not a Boy's Name and The Big Bang Theory. Setting is in the TBBT-verse, HiNaBN characters, with the characters attending CalTech as students instead of working there.
1. Chapter 1: Backstory Tiiiiiime!

So, the amazing oxytreza's fancomics on DeviantArt (in which HiNaBN takes place in a "The Big Bang Theory" AU) have inspired me to make a cracktastic fanfiction. We'll all die now...

**I OWN NOTHING! **Hanna © Tessa Stone, TBBT © Some people who aren't me.

Rated M 'cause Veser curses like a sailor. ;D

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><p><strong><span>Ch. -1: Backstory Tiiiiime~!<span>**

[_We're in a television station room that looks akin to the kind morning talk-show hosts interview guests: two seats, a small table and a flat-screen in between them. The camera is on and focuses on the woman in the left chair and the flat-screen. The woman, whom we see is a Ms. Frieda Jones, a reporter, begins to speak_.]

**FJ:** Pasadena, California. Apartment number 4A, near CalTech campus. Four roommates, four students, four budding geniuses.

[_As she says each name, a photo flashes along the screen_.]

Hanna Falk Cross was an eager young man with an intellect that his motor mouth can scarcely keep up with. He was working for his PhD in theoretical physics.

Conrad Dillon Achenleck was an introverted, somewhat socially-awkward astrophysics student. He's arguably the most artistic of the foursome.

Casimiro, the charming Italian, was working his way up to a master's in aeronautical engineering. His wit and social grace can be seen as likeable to some and threatening to others.

While all these former students are intriguing in their own rights, we'd like to shift your attention away from them for a moment so that we may introduce the star of this interview. His name is known by millions for his great achievements in experimental physics, his acts of philanthropy admired and appreciated, but not much is known about the man himself. We're here to do something no other network has ever done before.

Veser Amaker Hatch, PhD, is giving us the honor of being the first to interview him.

He's already given us a bit of information on his childhood. He wasn't born to a particularly wealthy family and didn't completely apply himself in school; however, his mother, Mrs. Hatch, knew that he had potential and helped him apply himself for various college prep tests and the entrance exam for CalTech. He passed them all with such flying colors, he got a partial scholarship. He was an extremely hard-working young man when he put his mind to it, and he managed to get his doctorate while working a part-time job to pay off expenses his scholarship didn't cover. Dr. Hatch's story is truly one of a self-made man.

Today, he has informed us, he won't be talking about that so much as his life during college, in apartment 4A.

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> Uggghhhh. Bleh. I figured I'd get a dramatic set-up for the preface. Yeah, _that's_ the kind of author I am. The deranged kind. I'm concerned for humanity's sake about the continuation of this story, but I've already written the preface and first chapter, so it's too late. Meh.


	2. Chapter 0: The Interview Begins

Here's the actual preface, not too much longer than the first! (Thank your respective deities.)

In case you couldn't tell from the negative chapter, I'm sort of mixing this up a bit. Since oxytreza's comic only took the social aspect of TBBT, and it never explained why they were living together, their ages, where they worked, etc., I'm creating a backstory semi-consistant from the show for my little fic of horrors. Instead of the four guys being professors (or whatever), I'm going back to their college years, 'cause that's how I roll! (Yes, I really just said that. Yes, I'm ramming my head into my desk.)

Hanna is Not a Boy's Name © Tessa Stone, The Big Bang Theory © CBS (I think), and the original crossover idea © oxytreza. (Frieda Jones is mine, but I'll give her to the highest bidder. =/ )

Oh, and you get a preview as to why this is rated M, goodie for you!

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><p><strong><span>Ch. 0: The Interview Begins<span>**

[_Cameramen and the woman speaking earlier are now at the doorway of an apartment. After knocking and ringing the doorbell don't work, Frieda Jones uses a key she has in her purse, presumed to be given to her by Dr. Hatch for the interview. They walk in, astonished._]

[_The living-room area of the well-sized apartment is a mess, with dirty dishes, trash, clothing, and old newspapers, books, and magazines scattered everywhere. An open laptop is resting on the coffee table near the couch, where an ordinary man in his mid-twenties, the great Veser Hatch, is snoring lightly. He had fallen asleep in his clothes __— __a large blue sweatshirt, faded jeans, and lime green sneakers __— which were now rumpled from sleep. Ms. Jones clears her throat in an attempt to stir the doctor from his slumber_.]

**VH: **Nngh, wha..?

**FJ: **Doctor Hatch? You told us to arrive at eleven, and when you didn't answer the door, we used the key you sent me. Is now a bad time...?

**VH: **Meh, it's fine... [half-mumbling, half-laughing to himself] I guess I won't have to wear a damned monkey suit for this public appearance...

[_Veser tries to clear a bit of space for the cameramen to get situated and makes sure the couch is clean_.]

**VH: **Here, Miss... Frieda, was it? Have a seat. Can I get you anything?

[_The woman flashes a smile she reserves for occasions like these, the kind that help to paint her in a great light to her bosses, and sits on the couch_.]

**FJ:** No, thank you, Dr. Hatch. Shall we begin?

[_Veser plops onto the sofa next to the reporter casually, his posture lax_.]

**VH:** Sure, why not?

**FJ:** So, Dr. Hatch—

**VH:** You can go ahead and call me Veser, if you want.

**FJ:** [_smiling again_] Okay, Veser, I'm curious, now. In just about every public appearance you've had, you've been formally-dressed, and your speech has a very polite, eloquent feel to it... You have a very official demeanor. But, today, you're—

**VH:** [_smirking_] I'm cursing, slouching, and wearing something other than a tux?

[_Frieda has a blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash of mild irritation from getting interrupted again, then chuckles it off_.]

**FJ:** Yes, and there's the messy apartment.

**VH:** Yeah, well, I forgot the interview was today, so I figured I'd allow you to capture "the real Veser Hatch," as your station's ads promised.

**FJ:** Thank you for that. So, before we delve too much into your life, why don't you share with the world what "the real Veser Hatch" means.

**VH:** [_turning to the camera, smiling broadly_] Well, being Veser Hatch means tricking the world into thinking you're a stuffed-shirt, white collar bastard screwing everyone over when you're really a normal guy with a degree in experimental physics who just doesn't give a fuck!

[_Frieda Jones and the crew are shocked for a moment, before the reporter tries to regain her composure by remembering the interview isn't live. Veser just smiles slyly.]_

**FJ:** That's very interesting, Dr. Ha- Veser. Is it difficult trying to keep up with public appearances and the little, err, "stuffed shirt scientist" facade? Does it conflict too much with your real personality to handle, at times?

**VH:** Not at all, ma'am! It's more shocking for people who get to know me outside of banquets and lectures this way.

**FJ:** Um, right. [_glancing at her material_] So, Veser, what did you plan on sharing with us today?

**VH: **I figured I'd take you down my college years memory lane, if that's alright with you, Ms. Jones.

**FJ:** That sounds lovely, Dr. Hatch.

**VH:** Let's see, where to begin...

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><p>Yyyupp. I hope most of you can totally see Veser gleefully shouting profanities at what he thinks is a live audience. Oh, and just to clear some stuff up — much as I wish he gave everyone a heart attack with his shark-toothed smile, this universe has everyone human since, y'know, selkies and zombies and vampires (Oh MY!) don't run around TBBT too often...<p>

You guys are almost to the actual first chapter of the story... May Lord have mercy on _your **sooouuulllssss...**_


	3. Chapter 1: The Apartment

**_"Welcome to my parlor," said the spider to the fly..._**

Yes, I'm afraid I've trapped you in my HiNaBN-TBBT AU crossover-thing... of a web. (That sounded better in my head.)  
>No, seriously, this piece of "fan"-created fiction is destined to destroy all of mankind.<br>You can blame oxytreza over at deviantArt. She got me thinking with her loverly comics with this concept, then encouraged me to make this frightening work.

_**Friends, Romans, Countrymen...**_

This probably will not end well.

HiNaBN © Tessa Stone, TBBT © CBS, Concept © oxytreza, Random quotes with little relevence © people who aren't me.

Rated M because Veser needs his mouth washed out with soap.

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><p><strong>Ch. 1: The Apartment<strong>

Alright, so I had just arrived at Pasadena. I could just barely afford dormitory expenses if I didn't eat anything for the first few months. I prefer living at all to starving on campus — I'm kind of quirky like that — so I found an apartment looking for a fourth roommate. It wasn't some big, fancy joint, and there would be four other guys to split the rent with, so I figured it wouldn't be that bad.

_Shit_, was I wrong.

So, I got off a bus and got to my apartment, 4A, and knocked on the door. This ginger-midget kid answers the door, and he's humming some old Queen song, and I'm thinking, _Well, fuck, what the hell am I in for?_

He grins at me and says, "Oh, hey! You must be Veser!" He starts shaking my hand and smiling, grabbing one of my bags and leading me in. "I'm Hanna Cross. Let's get you introduced to the others," he tells me, leaving my bag near the front door. I make sure the door closes; I didn't get a cheaper living arrangement for all my shit to be stolen.

So, the Hanna guy — weird name, huh? I didn't get the names of the other guys in the apartment, but if I did, I'd be looking for some confused chick; Hanna is not a boy's name. Anyway, the Hanna kid leads me up to some tan, tall, kind of foreign-looking guy. "This is Casimiro," he said, smiling and looking like if he were any more hyper he'd explode. "Casimiro, this is Veser."

The guy grinned at my reaction to his long-ass first name and told me, "You can call me Cas." That gave me his European accent, which I later deduced to be Italian.

I grinned right back at the guy and asked, "Y'mind if I call you Cassi?" He frowned in a way that gave me a definite no, so from then on, that was my nickname for him.

Hanna giggled — I mean, he downright_ giggled_ — and led me off to meet the last roommate. "This is Connie," he said, approaching a guy some would call well-dressed (and I would call faggy) with glasses. _Damn,_ I thought, _what is with all these guys and girly names?_

The gay-looking guy shot an annoyed glare at the midget and turned to me, a bit nervous. "My name is Conrad, ignore that guy," he told me, with a trace of a British accent. Woohoo, foreigner roommates. I was hoping their weird accents wouldn't get in the way of understanding what they were saying. Or mocking them.

"Cool, I'm Veser. Veser Hatch," I said, raising my hand for him to shake. He didn't seem like a fist-bump kind of guy. He just sort of looked at my hand like it was Cthulhu and wandered away. I shrugged it off. I figured I could handle living with a bunch of weirdos.

It turned out I could, it just didn't come quite as easily as I had expected.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>/shudders/ I apologize... I'm going to continue to write this, sort of like how when you find a misquito bite, and it's sore and ready to burst from the scratchmarks, you keep picking it. Morbid fascinations lead to our ultimite demise.

P.S.: Short first chapter is short.

P.P.S.: Critiques are appreciated, herp derp! :B


	4. Chapter 2: Adjusting to Accommodations

We've reached the second chapter, in which I attempt to add more quantity to my quality (and fail miserably) and the original gayness of the plot from oxytreza is realized.

Doom. _**Dooooooooooom!**_

HiNaBN © Tessa Stone, TBBT © Not Me, Original AU © oxytreza, Craptastic writing and OOC moments © Me

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Adjusting to the Accommodations<strong>

Alright, so I was unpacking in my new room (which the ginger kid showed me after getting me introduced), just trying to get the feel of things. So, I was going to study some crazy-ass science that I barely knew about, I had to make near perfect grades on this strange new subject if I wanted to stay in college, and now I was living with two freakish foreigners and a hyperactive midget. I would have to deal with that _and_ nail a part-time job to pay for it all.  
>Lovely, fucking lovely.<p>

I finished unpacking and was staring at my closet in frustration when Hanna stopped in the doorway.

"Hey, Ves!" he called cheerfully. "I'm heading down to stock up on food, you want to come?"

I would've said no, or just ignored him, but I started to worry that his face would fall off or something if he kept_ smiling _like that. God, you have_ no idea _how much a person can contort their face until you see Hanna smiling, I swear...

"Yeah, sure," I said, following him out the door. Besides, I needed to get a look at the area, anyway.

We went down to the nearest grocery store and, for the most part, got what you'd expect: bread, eggs, milk, chips, sugary crap, assorted junk foods, coffee, soda for me (coffee is too bitter), those kinds of things. It didn't take too long, and Hanna's craziness and questioning didn't drive me to scream at him, so I'd say it was a fine trip. Of course, the "interesting" parts didn't happen until we got back to the building.

For some reason, Hanna insisted we take the stairs instead of the elevator. He claimed it had been malfunctioning lately, which was total bullshit. I had taken the elevator up when I'd arrived, and I told him so, but he didn't seem to care. When we reached the third floor, I found out why.

This really tall, vaguely Asian dude was walking over to his door. Normally, not a big deal, right? Well, he looks over at the midget and smiles, he says, "Hi, Hanna," and Hanna looks like he'll melt into a little pool of ginger right on the spot.

At first, I'm wondering what's wrong with him, and mainly concern myself with thoughts like, _Dammit, he'd better not fall over or something;_ he's _carrying the eggs!_

Then, Hanna starts blushing and smiling, but not his usual mega-watt smile, oh no. This one's all timid and nervous, and he stutters out a little, "Oh, hey," to the guy, and it's so meek it makes his smile look confident. The dude just laughed a little under his breath and smiled, leaving into his apartment.

I'm not sure if you can see what just happened, 'cause I sure-as-hell couldn't. I was trying to make sense of it in my head while Hanna gazed at the door the guy closed like it was some lost puppy he just found. After a minute I just nudged him and muttered, "Don't drop the food," and started walking off. He snapped out of it and caught up fairly quick.

I jiggled the doorknob to our apartment once we came to it, but it was locked. Hanna, whom by now recovered from his encounter, noted that it was strange and took out his key. We walked in while Hanna said he'd get me a spare key soon, but we both fell silent when we turned to the living room and just stared at the scene in front of us for a moment.

On our couch, there was a _lot_ of making out going on. You're probably wondering, 'Oh, so one of the foreigners had a girlfriend? Which one was on the couch?' Well, I'll tell you.

_Both_ of them were on the couch.

They were making out.

With each other.

Did I mention they're both male?

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><p><strong>AN<strong>: Yup. It just got gay. (And it's gonna get a whooole lot gayer.) For the record, the only pairing I officially support in the HiNaBN-verse is Veser/Awesomeness, and only that because it's canon. Of course, that's not to say that these pairings are _bad_. In fact, when done well, they're extremely awesome. I just wanted you to know that if I portray the pairings crappily, it isn't because I don't support them; I just suck that much. :/

Oh, and uh... Blah blah, end of days, humanity will end, **_DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**


	5. Chapter 3: Friendly Neighborhood Fag

This particular chapter borrows and paraphrases several lines from oxytreza's original comic, hopefully I'm not speared for it.

Everything doesn't belong to me, this message will self-destruct, yada yada yada.

Rated M for Language:**_ New!_** _Now with **20%** more **Derogitory** terms for **Homosexuals!**_

(Why, yes, I_ did_ pull those statistics out of my butt. And yes, by more terms, I just mean Veser'll say _fag_ and _gay_ more.)

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Friendly Neighborhood Fag<strong>

After that lovely encounter of gay romance on the place I'd planned on sitting, along with a post-shock argument about where it's okay to have crazy guy-on-guy action going on with Cassi, and the groceries were put away, I was hanging out on the couch. Partially to look at wanted ads, mostly to get over the fact that a guy's tongue had been in another guy's mouth and I had to live with the owners of _both_. Casimiro and Conrad both sort of drifted into their rooms, and Hanna was looking around for something to eat. The door was wide open.

Someone walked by and knocked on the door frame at about the same time that Conrad had just stepped out of his room. I looked up. Some dark-haired guy smiled and introduced himself. "Um, hi. I'm Lamont, the new neighbor. I just moved in across the hall..." He trailed off when his eyes reached Conrad, and he started to look embarrassed. _Oh, fuck, not again..._

Connie looked at him and said, "Oh, really? Well, welcome, then." It was probably just my post-traumatic gay shock, but I could've _sworn_ he was checking the new guy out.

Before I could read anything more into the exchange, Hanna smiled and started to introduce himself to Lamont. _Hoo boy, this could take a while..._

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Cassi enter the room, looking a bit upset over the way the new guy was looking at his man-meat. _Oh, so it's not just me?_

Once Hanna was finished, the angry Italian approached and shook the neighbor's hand fiercely. "I'm Casimiro," he said in a friendly, yet threatening tone.

The guy just smiled and replied, "Lamont, nice to meet you."

"I assure you, the pleasure is _mine_," he said smoothly, a grimace lying just beneath his friendly demeanor.

I figured it was my civic duty or something to make sure a gay catfight didn't break out right then and there, so I hopped up and started talking. "Hey, Lamont, I'm Veser. Welcome to the neighborhood, are you a CalTech student, too?" I asked, since he looked about the same age as my roommates and me.

Apparently, he was, and he got into a much more calm discussion about his majors and shit with Hanna and Conrad. Cassi stayed out of it, much to my relief.

After a half-hour or something, he left for his own apartment, shaking hands a bit too long with Conrad. I swear, he even _winked_ at the guy. Who thought a nerdy fag like him would be so damn popular?

Lamont closed the door behind him. Conrad sat on the couch next to me, and I tried to resume my job search. Cassi decided to try to make that impossible for me and rested his head on top of Conrad's, sort of possessively.

"I don't like the way he was looking at you," he said, clutching to his boyfriend.

Conrad blushed rolled his eyes. "You're being ridiculous," he retorted.

As much as I would've like to agree with Connie so Casimiro would stop fagging up the couch, It really_ wasn't _a ridiculous claim. The new neighbor was quite obviously interested in the geek.

After they argued a bit, Conrad and Cassi eventually went to sleep (in _separate_ rooms, thank God), and Hanna started to wind down, too. I entered my own and started to think of how my first day in Pasadena went. Let's recap.

So look, at this point, I'm living with three total fags, one of them wants to screw the third floor guy, and the other two are screwing each other, apparently. Now there's this new neighbor, and it's quite obvious he's interested in fucking my especially faggy roommate, and... Sorry, is this too confusing? I know it was for me. Basically, one fag has a stupid crush on the Asian-ish guy, and the other fags are in some crazy gay love triangle or something.

Judging by the way they all act, I doubted they'd leave their straight roommate uninvolved.

The funny thing is, I really didn't mind that much. Just as long as no fag decided he wanted to start fucking me, it was fine. I could deal with it.

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><p><strong>AN<strong>: Yup. That's the slightly-homophobic-but-not-really mindset of Veser for you, folks. It only gets gayer from here...

And humanity shall end soon...


End file.
